


The Thaw

by cantstopthefeels



Category: Warrior (2011)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Meetings, Hurt/Comfort, My First AO3 Post, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-23
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2017-12-27 09:44:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cantstopthefeels/pseuds/cantstopthefeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy's instincts tell him that he needs the woman he takes in off the streets more than she needs him. (This started out as a poem. And then it turned into strange prose. You've been warned.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Many months ago you agreed to stay with him. The choices were: street, shelter or his place. The shelter was terrible and the street was familiar. Being in the shelter when the terror seized you caused too many problems. You were asked to leave two of them and believed trying a third one would be pointless. At least on the street the terror kept others at bay. 

There wasn't an agreement so much as he gently pulled on your sleeve and told you to get on the next bus with him. For three months he had dropped money into the cup you held out by the bus stop. It was near the medical centre you watched him go into three times a week. He never said anything except "you're welcome" after you thanked him. Twice a day he gave you money. Once when he got off the bus and once before he got on. He kept you fed and never said anything nasty. 

The rain was coming down in droves. There was no escape from it. You looked at his calm face: blue eyes, full mouth with a toothpick and offset teeth. He said: c'mon. 

You were frozen and he moved you. The bus was warm, crowded and moving. He draped his gray thermal around your shoulders and said: you're gonna be safe now, it's gonna be ok.  
**********************************************************************  
He has a habit of moving you. But you're not as frozen as before. You move some, he moves you some. Things get done now. But it took some time. He was patient. And you began to thaw.  
*********************************************************************  
For the first few weeks he moved you to do everything. To pick out a toothbrush at the all night drugstore. He even offered to buy you different toothpaste. You merely stared at him. He shrugged his shoulders and sighed. He put the toothbrush in the basket and steered you towards the check out. 

Next it was a few pieces of clothing from the discount store down the road from the apartment. He said: my clothes look stupid on you, they're too big. you need some of your own. 

He held up shirts against your back while you stood frozen and bewildered. Satisfied he draped the garments over his arm and watched as you picked a pair of pants up. He blinked and smiled a bit at that and said: you should try that on. 

When you stood frozen he moved you towards the change room. 

You kept the shirt you slept in the first night you stayed there. And he let you have it. No questions. Pulling it off his tattooed torso he had said: this is the only decently clean thing I got right now. Everything else smells like the gym. 

Silently you took it. It was warm and you held to to your nose. It was a reflex. It smelled like him. He blinked and smiled a bit. He left the room. You wore the warm, him-scented shirt.  
*********************************************************************  
Moving. He was constantly moving about. And you were frozen. The first week with him you sat on the couch frozen when he wasn't there. He went to work. He would shop. He would do laundry. When he came in through the door you startled and jumped up. He greeted your big eyes and stiff posture with a soft: hello.

In the apartment he moved - cooking, cleaning, going downstairs to the laundry room and back up again, putting things away. You watched. For that first week you watched him constantly. And waited for any sign that you should unfreeze and bolt. 

Nothing happened. He pretended not to watch you while you were watching him. 

You stayed. You began to thaw a little.  
********************************************************************  
Thankfully he did not ask too many questions except for: you hungry? You tired? You want somethin'?

Each time you nodded "no". It was a reflex. Terrified you'd end up screaming if you unfroze your voice. He'd say: ok, tell me if you change your mind. 

And he'd turn around and continue moving. And when you weren't sitting and watching, you'd stand and watch. 

Then you would be moved to sit at the table. A plate pushed toward you, a fork placed in your hand. A glass of water. You ate and drank then. One shaking fork after another while he calmly glanced your way. He asked: is it ok? You nodded. He blinked and smiled a bit.  
***********************************************************************


	2. Chapter 2

That first night you watched as he draped the couch with a sheet. A pillow fluffed and thrown down. A blanket carefully unfolded and arranged. He looked at you and said softly: goodnight. You blinked. You watched him go into his bedroom and shut the door. You heard the bed springs creak and his large frame settling into sleep. You listened for the deep steady breathing. Twenty minutes later you debated whether to give into fatigue or to stand guard, frozen. 

Fatigue won for a time. And then the terror emerged and unfroze your throat. You moved on your own then. Propelled yourself up and off the couch, into a corner of the living room, a lamp knocked over and lightbulb smashed. Your unfrozen throat creating terror for him now. 

His large frame emerged from the dark bedroom and sped toward you as you scrabbled backward further into the terrible corner your heels and palms crunching in the broken bulb fragments. You heard nothing but your unfrozen throat screeching and sobbing. Your arms moved against him - lashing, hands slapping, nails scratching and feet kicking. His hand clamped over your mouth to contain the terror. Both of you were frozen in that instance: wide eyes locked, your hands clamped on his arms. His command was: stop, that's enough.

You quieted some, tears streaming. Firm, unyielding hands pulled you out of the terrible corner and lifted you onto an unmoving lap, your head against a shielding chest. His arms held you. And then he said softly: ssssshhhhhh, it's done now. It's gone. 

You shook. You blinked as you stared and sobbed a little. 

When you were quiet and frozen against him he moved you. He picked you up and placed you on the couch. You shivered and thought he had left to go back to his bed. The kitchen light showed his frame moving: washing your blood off his hands and arms, filling a glass with water, opening a drawer to get a dish towel, a cupboard opened and a first-aid kit brought out. You watched, teeth chattering. He moved toward you calmly and quietly. Sitting on the coffee table in front of you he looked at you. You sat frozen and stared off into the terrible corner. You started to sob again. And he moved and cupped the side of your face and said: ssshhhhh, it's done now, you're gonna be ok. His thumb wiped the tears away. You shivered, your teeth chattered. You stared at him. He stared back. 

He moved and placed the blanket around your shoulders. Then he spoke quietly about his own night terrors, how they have abated some and so will yours. He gently took your hands and made sure the glass was gone, wiping the blood away and cleaning the wounds. One bandage on a knuckle. 

Standing up he pushed the coffee table back a bit and sat down again. Your leg was pulled up and foot placed on his towel draped lap. Gently he looked over your foot for any embedded glass. Finding none he cleaned and bandaged the cuts. He never looked at your face the whole time, only off in the distance when he spoke softly to you. Each time you'd choke on a sob he'd stroke your arm or thigh and unfreeze you. The terror was barely at bay. 

Drink this: he said. He held the glass of water towards you. You were frozen so he put the glass to your lips. His command: drink. When you coughed and spluttered he took the towel from his lap and calmly wiped your mouth, chin and neck. Then he stood up and looked directly in your eyes. For a full minute you regarded each other. When your body shook with a chill it broke the spell and he moved. You watched as he put the glass, first aid kit and damp towel away. 

Once again he sat down across from you and watched you. You blinked. He blinked. 

Standing up again, he left you on the couch, bandaged, blanketed. You watched him move to the terrible corner and how he surveyed the damage. He sighed then straightened. Calmly and silently he cleaned the mess and placed the broken lightbulb in the garbage. He walked back to the couch and took the pillow, going into the bedroom. You shivered.

He stood before you once again, looking into the face of a woman he did not know but understood. You gazed back at him, seeing a man you did not know but who understood you. 

Silently he bent down, lifted you into his arms and brought you to his bed. Instead of being frozen, you began to thaw. 

The bed was a new place: warm, safe, chaste space. 

Two bodies settled into the bed that night. Arranged for maximum comfort, warmth and safety. 

That first night created a necessary ritual. When he moved to go to bed each night after that first night - he moved you too. That was it. He was adamant. You did not protest. The bed was a sanctuary for you both. 

The times you woke, the terror almost unfreezing your throat, he moved to stop it. A murmur, a palm against your arm or your face. And then you slept again. Lying on your right side with his chest against your back, arm around your body, breath tickling the top of your head - you slept for the first time in many years. And so did he. 

This ritual had begun. It was a good one.


	3. Chapter 3

There were rituals for: eating, sleeping, bathing. He showed you his, and he allowed you to discover your own. He moved you when you were frozen. And then you learned to move yourself. You unthawed some more. 

The second week you were there he taught you about the bathing ritual. He wanted you to move yourself to bathe. He didn't think it was dignified to pick you up and put you fully clothed into a full bathtub anymore. He didn't think it was right to wash the hair and body of a woman he didn't know but understood. He said: if you want to continue to share the bed with me you must bathe yourself. It's better if you do this for yourself. 

Terrified of losing the sleeping ritual you unthawed some more and moved yourself. You created your own bathing ritual. When you came out of the bathroom enrobed in fluffy towels he'd put out for you he'd blinked at you and smiled a little. Then he went into the bedroom and turned down the blankets. You followed. 

Now you could do both the sleeping and bathing rituals easily. He smiled at you. You unthawed some more. 

A few days later you watched as he came into the apartment with a paper bag. He greeted you softly as always. He smiled a little when you said: hello. 

He left it on the table and said: if you look inside maybe you'll see somethin' nice for you.

You looked at him and he blinked. You blinked back. He smiled, but bigger this time. This time you saw a small dimple beside his full lips. You reddened and looked at the paper bag. 

You looked up at him again and froze a little, unsure if this was a game or a trick. He shrugged his shoulders and took his coat off. As he hung it the closet he said: I got you some stuff I think you'd like. You need it. You should look in the bag. 

Moving towards the table you peeked inside the bag, your neck craning. You kept your arms crossed over your torso, hands tucked inside your sleeves. You wondered again: is this a trick?

He watched you hesitate. You saw that there were three things inside. You stood back from the table and looked at him. 

He let out a huff of air and pushed the bag towards you smirking a little and said: go on and look. Take the stuff out. It's ok. It's for you. 

You looked at him and saw the little smile, the small dimple and his relaxed shoulders. He leaned against the kitchen counter and commanded loudly: C'mon. Look in the bag.

You weren't frozen any longer. You moved. 

Reaching in, you grasped a bottle and pulled it out. It was pink. It smelled nice. You looked at him. He blinked a little. He smiled and said: that's for your bath. 

You blinked and smiled and put the bottle on the table beside the bag. You looked up at him and saw his smile and the small dimple. 

He pushed off from the kitchen counter and looked inside the bag and said: I think there's more. 

You looked up at him. The smile left and he said: I don't got all day. C'mon. 

You waited a beat. Then the smile came back. The dimple came back. A tooth peeked from behind the lips. You unthawed a little more. 

You reached inside and pulled out a hair brush. It was pink like the bottle and you put it on the table. You looked at him and smiled a little. Darting your hand back inside the bag you pulled out another bottle. It was pink like the hair brush and the first bottle. It smelled like the first bottle. You put it on the table beside the other items. Looking up at him, you offered a bigger smile. He smiled back. This time the dimple was bigger and you saw more teeth and crinkled skin next to his eyes. You unthawed some more. 

You took the hair brush and two bottles off of the table, you went into the bathroom. You had a bath. You washed your hair and your body. You put lotion on your skin. You wrapped your hair, then your body in the fluffy towels. 

He's folding laundry when you come out and he looked at you and asked: how's that? 

You smile. He smiles. He goes back to folding and you changed into his shirt in the bedroom. 

Ten minutes later he knocks on the door softly and said: hey, you ok? When you opened the door, head hanging, tangled hair brush bobbing against your head he said: Oh. 

He he pulled you to the bed and sat behind you. It took fifteen minutes of careful and gentle pulling to unsnarl the nest of hair wrapped around the brush. He told you about his family. And it took him another ten minutes to pull the brush gently and slowly over your scalp until all the tangles disappeared. He told you about his job. 

He said sotfly: maybe you should let me brush your hair from now on. I think I'm better at it. 

He chuckled. You turned around and smiled at him, and unthawed a little more. So every night you bathed. And if he was home - he brushed your hair. He told you things and you listened. You told him nothing still, but he waited to listen. 

As the both of you turned in for bed, he wrapped himself around you and said: goodnight, you smell nice. You smiled and squeezed his hand and said softly: thankyou, goodnight. He slept. You slept. 

Your sleeping ritual is very good. Now your bathing ritual is very good too.


	4. Chapter 4

When sleeping and bathing was taken care of, he showed you about how to eat again. He explained his training schedule. He showed you the foods. He made meals and shared them. You listened. You watched. You ate a little. When he asked you what you wanted and you shrugged your shoulders he sighed. He said: well, you'll get bored of chicken and broccoli.

The third week he told you to go to the store with him. You sat on the bus next to him and watched out the window. 

The store was very bright and you walked close to him. He showed you what he liked and put things in the buggy. You watched and followed.

When he told you to make some choices, you hesitated. Then he moved and put the things you looked at into the buggy. When you looked at him he winked and walked away with the buggy. You moved to catch up. He walked down each aisle and watched you look and hesitate. He smirked and put more things in the buggy. You unthawed some more.

At the checkout line you watched him as he avoided the gaze of others. He pulled his hood up and his hat down. He wasn't rude. Just quiet. Like you. 

Backpacks loaded and back on the bus he gave you an earbud. It blasted rap. You shook your head politely and handed it back to him. He shrugged his shoulders and turned it off. Then he showed you his playlists and how to listen by yourself. There was more than rap. You said: thankyou. He smiled. 

You put the groceries away. He made you the tea you hesitated about at the store. You smiled and thanked him for putting it in the buggy. He put four cookies on a plate and said: I don't eat these except on cheat days, ok? You smiled at him and took the plate. 

By the end of the week you made food for the both of you. When he came home from the gym or from work, you moved and fed him. And he fed you tea and four cookies on a plate afterwards. Both of you smiled. 

This was the eating ritual. And it was another good one to go with sleeping and bathing.


	5. Chapter 5

Instead of remaining frozen, you thawed a little each day. Three weeks of sleeping, bathing, washing and breathing made you feel human again. He was right about the nightmares abating some. Only twice more you had woken up and felt the terror. He was there with his commanding voice and soft touch to dissipate it. 

Your life together was platonic, simple, calm and very quiet. It was good. 

He brought you to the gym one day. He said: let's go and meet the guys, I heard they might have a job for you. 

You got on the bus with him and shared a loud earbud. He had his gym bag and hat. You were nervous but excited. He said: they're kind of rough around the edges, but they'll be nice to you. 

You smiled. He smiled back and winked. 

The building was half a block from the bus stop. You looked at the scratched metal door and the small sign that said "gym". He opened the door and said: after you. 

Inside was a small foyer with a desk. A young man politely shook your hand. After signing the clipboard, the three of you went through another door into a large warehouse space. It was loud and full of men you did not know but had heard about. It smelled bad. 

You felt scared. He smiled said: these are my friends and colleagues.

He put his hand on the small of your back and pushed you gently towards them. You felt a little better and smiled back. 

Five different men politely shook your hand. One of them said: we need someone to work here. 

You listened to what he said about the job. You said you'd think about it. The polite man took you on a tour of the building: office, kitchen, bathrooms, locker rooms, laundry room, lounge and back to the warehouse sized space. In there were weights, mirrors and posters on the wall, weighted bags hanging from the ceiling and a sparring ring in the middle. There were mats on the floor. Everything smelled bad. He saw you wrinkle your nose and said: if you decide to work here we would have to do something about the smell. 

He laughed. You smiled and shrugged your shoulders. 

Three days later you were folding mountains of towels and stacking them around the gym. You prepared protein shakes. You swept and washed the floors. The men came and went. Some trained for an hour. Some stayed all day. You got to know many of them by sight and by name. Some of them spoke, some didn't. Everyone was polite. You realized that the job wasn't about the money (which was more than adequate). The job was about being out in the world: planning, routine, discipline, dedication, motivation, responsibility. These things you had before the terror took it away. He kept an eye on you - winking at you if he caught you watching him training. 

He came and went from the gym. You stayed and folded towels. Or swept and washed floors. Or made protein shakes. Or cleaned locker rooms and bathrooms. 

It was good. The bills got paid. You were helping now. He said: I'm proud of you, you do a good job in there, the guys seem to like you. 

You both smiled. You unthawed even more.


	6. Chapter 6

He came home one day and told you something. 

You watched him put his gym bag down slowly and carefully untie his shoes. He avoided your eyes as he hung up the coat and pulled off his hoodie. He looked sad and tired. 

He said: c'mere. And nodded his head to the bedroom. Your gut clenched until he reached out and gently took your hand and pulled you after him. On the bed together, your head on his chest, one of his hands in your hair and one stroking your back. 

He sighed and said: my dad is dying. 

You sat up and looked at him. He blinked at you and looked away. His eyes were red. 

He said: He's gonna sell the house and move to Philly. My brother wants him close. It's only fair. He's gonna pay the medical bills for Pop. Brendan's got to stay close to his job and family. 

He looked at you and said: I think I should go too. 

You nodded your head and said: I know. 

Two weeks previously, the both of you had taken a long bus ride to see his dad. It was raining. The house smelled stale. His dad was thin and sad. You felt sad. Everything was sad. Everyone had coffee and you brought cookies. His dad was polite and thanked you. Showed you photos. The both of you left on the bus again, declining a ride from his dad. 

He stared out of the window. No earbuds. He chewed a toothpick. Halfway home he took your hand and held it. He rubbed his thumb over your palm. You put your head against his arm. He sighed. 

That night after your bath he brushed your hair. He didn't talk this time. You listened to him breathe instead. He brushed your hair gently and thoughtfully. He put the brush onto the bedside table and said: I'm tired, 'night, 'night. 

You woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. Hearing his sob, you padded out to the living room and saw him on the couch. He had his head in his hands and his shoulders shook. You stood before him and said: come to bed. 

He was frozen and didn't move. You tried to move him. You reached out and carefully put your hand on his shoulder. He still didn't move. Neither did you. You said: please.

He unfroze and got up. He looked at you then shuffled back to bed. You crawled in beside him and laid on your side watching him. 

He said: I don't know what to do. 

You said: I know. 

He turned over and faced you. The both of you looked at each other, blinking. He sighed and said: I'm glad you're here. 

You said: me too. 

Then he lifted his hand and gently stroked your face. His fingers traced your brow, your nose and your jaw. Then he traced your lips - concentrating on the bottom one. You closed your eyes. Then he leaned in and kissed your lips. 

It was soft.   
It was gentle.   
It was nice. 

You unthawed even more. 

You opened your eyes and saw him looking at you. He pulled his mouth away and said: 'night, 'night. He wrapped his arm around you and drew you close. Both of you slept, finally.


	7. Chapter 7

The morning he left for Philly you cried. He sat next to you on the bed and said: I don't know how long I'll be. It could be a week, it could be a month or more. I don't know. You can come visit. Stay with me at Brendan's. I'll keep going to a gym there, and seeing Pop at the hospital most days. 

You said: I know. 

He said: I'm sorry. 

You said: it's ok. 

He whispered: I'll miss you. 

You said: I'll miss you too, I'm sad for you and your family. 

He nodded. Then he said: you'll be ok? Call me anytime, or the guys at the gym. 

You said: ok, I will. I'll be ok. 

When he stood at the door you looked at him and he looked at you. Both of you had red eyes. Your throat was frozen. He closed his eyes and a tear streamed. He said: I don't want to go now. I'm scared of this. My dad is dying and I'm sad. 

You said: I know. 

He came toward you quickly and held you tightly. You wrapped your arms around his neck and buried your face into his shoulder. Both of you cried. 

He said: I gotta go. Don't wanna miss the bus to Pop's place. Brendan's already waiting. It's gonna be a long drive back to Philly.

You said: I know. 

You let go and he went back to the door. 

He said: when all this shit is done, I want you to meet Brendan and his family. They're nice people. 

You smiled. He smiled. Then he came toward you again. 

Instead of holding your body he held your face and looked into your eyes. You looked back without blinking. His thumbs stroked your cheeks and lips. He leaned down and kissed you. 

It was soft.  
It was gentle.   
It was nice.   
It was too brief. 

You unthawed even more. 

After he was gone you stood there with two fingers on the lips he kissed.


	8. Chapter 8

For two weeks you fought the urge to freeze again. Each day you went through your eating, sleeping and bathing rituals. It was hard without him there. But you did it. Every night he called you after your bath. He talked to you while you brushed your own hair. You listened. And then you talked to him. He listened. He was sad and you felt sad for him. Before you hung up he always said: 'night, 'night. You put his pillow against your back so that you could sleep. The terror stayed at bay. 

You went to work at the gym. The men watched you fold towels and sweep the floor. They thanked you for the protein shakes. You smiled at them. They were polite. 

One day you took the garbage out to the dumpster behind the building. You stayed out longer than you should have looking at a bird's nest near a gutter. You heard a sound. It sounded like a weak baby crying. You searched until you found a small puppy crying in a box. It was alone. You picked it up and brought it inside. 

The men in the gym gathered around the sad puppy in the box. Everyone stroked it. They listened to it cry. You felt sad. 

They said: it's a baby. It needs milk. 

They said: we don't want it, you should keep it. 

You said: I don't know if he wants a dog. It's not up to me. 

They laughed and said: let's send him a picture. 

One man put the puppy in your arms and said: say cheese. 

He snapped your portrait with the sad puppy. He sent it and everyone waited for a response. None came. 

You said: I can't keep it. He won't like it. I don't know what to do. I can't afford a vet. 

The polite man who hired you said: he can be the gym's puppy. We'll pay for stuff. But for now you should keep him with you at the apartment. He needs you. Bring him to work. We'll put him in the laundry room where it's warm. He won't get out. 

You looked at the sad puppy in your arms. You thought about it. You sighed and said: ok.

The polite man who hired you took a collection of money from everyone at the gym except you. He said: we'll pay for the stuff, you have to be his mum, that's all. 

The puppy went to the vet's. You washed the floors. When the polite man came back he said: the vet is keeping him for few days to give him proper medicine and food, he'll be ok. After that he comes back to us. We should let Tommy name him. 

You smiled. Everyone smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

After your bath you brushed your hair and talked to him on the phone. He laughed and said: I just saw the picture of you holding that puppy. 

You told him what happened. He laughed said: I don't think the landlord will like that. 

You said: it's only a baby and it's temporary. 

He said: ok, but don't let it shit, piss and chew on my stuff. 

You said: ok. 

He also told you that his dying dad was getting near the end. It was very sad but he was glad that he wouldn't be in pain any longer. He said that he and Brendan were getting along and that he liked his nieces. He said Tess was a pretty good cook and that the gym he went to was pretty nice. 

He also said: I really miss you. I don't sleep too good. 

You said: I really miss you too. I don't sleep too good either. It's cold. 

He said: the puppy will keep you warm. 

You laughed and said: what keeps you warm? 

He said: thinking of you.

You unthawed even more. 

After he said 'night, 'night, you crawled under the covers and thought about the puppy and about what he said. You smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

It's been two weeks since he left.   
You miss him. 

You miss him very much because your throat almost unfroze one night and he wasn't there. Instead you put one of his shirts up to your nose and inhaled. Since then your rituals were harder to do - but you did them anyway. The puppy helped. The nice guys at the gym helped. The nightly phone calls help but you can tell he doesn't like to talk on the phone. But it wasn't the same with him gone. 

You're folding towels, puppy sleeping in a box on the floor. There's a gate in the doorway to keep the puppy in. One of the men who works at the gym put a radio in the laundry room for you. He said that because you're in there a lot, maybe you'd like some music. So now you listen to music while you fold endless piles of towels. 

One day he comes back to the gym.  
With your back turned you reach inside the dryer to grab an armful. The music is playing and you're humming along. You don't hear him walk into the room. When you turn around you bump right into him. He smiles and says: hello.

You drop the towels and wrap your arms around him.  
Your face is pressed against his chest and you inhale.  
He smells good.   
He smells like home.   
The puppy wakes up and yaps from the box. You feel the rumble of his chuckle against your cheek.   
You don't want to let go.   
Both of you ignore the dog and stare at each other.   
He has one hand at the small of your back and one at the back of your neck. 

He smiles again and says very quietly: I fuckin' missed you. 

You blink and smile at him. 

And then you place your forehead on his chest and sob.   
He says: don't cry, your eyes will go red.   
You look up and see that his eyes are red.   
He swallows hard.   
The puppy yaps some more.   
He steps away from you and looks in the corner. 

He says: this is the little shit who's been keeping you warm while I'm away? 

You smile, swallow the other sobs that threaten and wipe two tears from your cheek.   
You watch him lift the puppy from the box.   
He is firm but gentle and the puppy licks his hands, his arms and wriggles up his chest to lick his face.   
He laughs softly and pets the puppy. 

The men from the gym have gathered at the doorway. They're watching him play with the puppy. Everyone is happy to see him. Everyone laughs watching the puppy lick him. 

The man who hired you says: hey Tommy, whatcha gonna name him? 

He shrugs his shoulders and keeps turning his head away from the licking, wriggling puppy.   
He says: what kind of dog is he anyway.

One of the men says he thinks it's a mixed breed, probably has pit bull and boxer in him. He bends down and the puppy scrabbles over the linoleum towards you yapping. You pick the puppy up smiling. The puppy wriggles and licks you before calming down.

The men invite him to see some changes that have happened in the gym and ask him questions about his dad.   
He pats your arm as he leaves the room and gives you a look that says: I'll talk to you later.   
You smile.   
He smiles.   
You put the puppy down and fold the towels again. 

He talks to the men a long time. You finish the towels, sweep out the lounge and clean the bathrooms. When you go into the office to clean you see him with the man who hired you. They look serious and you leave the room. 

He calls you back saying: it's ok, we all have to talk. 

You go back inside the office and the man who hired you tells you to sit down. You feel worried. The man who hired you smiles and says: everything is ok. 

You turn and look at him beside you on the love-seat. He looks serious and sad.   
He puts his hand on your shoulder and says: I want you to come back to Philly with me. 

You look at the man who hired you, who says: it's fine if you go, I'll get my niece to fill in while you're gone. There's nothing to worry about, Tommy and I talked. 

You turn back to him and he says very seriously and quietly: I need all the family I can get right now. Pop is gonna die soon. 

What he says sinks in slowly.   
He's not asking you, he's telling you to go back with him.   
You look at him and he blinks. He is very serious and very sad. 

You say: ok, I'll go.   
You agree because you want to.   
You agree because you have to.   
You agree because he had said: I need all the family I can get now.   
You agree because it's family.   
You agree because he would do it for you. 

He swallows hard and nods his head.   
He looks so sad you think he may cry.   
You put your hand on his shoulder and he puts his head down and looks at the floor. Everyone is quiet.   
Everyone feels sad.   
You keep your hand on his shoulder. It's warm. 

Everyone is quiet for a few minutes. You can hear him breathing deeply. You can hear the clock tick. The man who hired you shifts in his chair but says nothing. 

Another minute goes by. 

He sits up, swipes a finger under his nose and says: you know what? We should name that puppy today. 

The man who hired you smiles.   
You smile.   
He doesn't smile but gets up from the love-seat and pulls you up beside him. 

He says: c'mon, let's take another look at that little shit. 

Everyone leaves the office and goes to the laundry room.   
He crouches down next to the blanket lined box and looks at the puppy.   
The puppy yaps and wriggles. 

He says: He looks like a Bo to me. 

He turns a looks up at you, eyebrows raised. The puppy licks his hands and arms.   
You smile.   
He smiles.  
The puppy yaps and wriggles.


	11. Chapter 11

The two of you take the train back to Philly. You feel sad and nervous. Bo the puppy is staying with the man who hired you. Everything will be fine. You're going to meet Brendan and his family. 

He says: don't worry about nothin', Brendan knows about you and he's cool. You'll like Tess and the girls. 

You sigh and watch the landscape fly by.   
He is holding your hand, his thumb stroking your palm.   
He looks sad and serious. His dad is dying and you feel sad.   
Before getting on the train he said: thankyou for coming with me, it means a lot.   
You smiled and he blinked. It's hard for him to smile. You understand.   
You understand him because he understands you.   
******************************************  
The both of you spend a night at the apartment with Bo the puppy before leaving for Philly.   
You were worried that he'd be angry.   
Things in the apartment weren't the same as he left it but he said nothing. 

You watched him pick the scented candle up and sniff it before putting it down.  
You watched him smile a bit when he noticed the cookies on the kitchen counter.   
You watched the curve of his lips deepen as he gathered up laundry, looking around.   
You watched the small dimple appear beside his mouth.   
You watched his shoulders, his gait, the way he picked things up and put them down. 

He gave you no indication of angry.  
But still..........

 

When smiled and told you to relax you unthawed a little.   
He was not angry.   
He didn't care about the things that were different. 

You packed your bag while he played with the puppy. You watched him. He was gentle and patient. The puppy was ridiculous. You smiled and went back to packing. 

The both of you did your eating ritual together: you made the meal and he thanked you. He was quiet and so were you.   
The puppy yapped until he said: ssshhh!   
The puppy scrabbled away and flopped onto a towel in the crate set up in the corner. He put his head on his paws and watched as you ate in silence. 

He pushed his foot against yours under the table.   
It felt nice and you smiled a little.   
He blinked at you and sighed. 

You washed up after dinner while he fed the puppy then took him outside.   
When he came back he looked sad again.   
You said nothing and dried a cup.   
He hung his coat up and then walked over to you.   
Bo the puppy scrabbled over to you and sniffed, then flopped down inside his crate on the towel. 

You put the cup down and leaned back against the counter.   
He put both arms on either side of you on the counter and leaned over you.   
He looked at your mouth and then into your eyes.   
You felt a little scared and pulled your head back.   
He cocked his head to the side and said: you know what? You don't never have to be scared of me. 

You blinked. He blinked. 

You could feel his body heat.   
You could smell him.   
You looked at his eyes. They looked soft and kind. But they also looked serious.   
He looked at you and did not blink.   
You looked down because you didn't want his eyes looking at you like that.   
You felt a little frozen in spite of his body heat. 

He shifted, moving his arms from either side of you and stood up straight.   
You felt his fingers slide gently along your jaw.   
You could feel his calluses and smell his aftershave.   
He stroked your jaw and your chin gently.   
You shivered because it felt nice. 

He let a breath out slowly and whispered: hey, look at me. 

You tilted your head up and looked into his eyes.   
They were very blue with grey-green.   
They sparkled.   
He moved his hand from your chin to brush your hair behind your ear. 

He looked at your mouth and said: i want to kiss you real bad. 

Your heart thumped in your throat and you stared at his mouth.   
It was soft, and pink and smiling slightly.   
You saw the dimple beside that soft, pink smiling mouth.   
You smiled.   
You said: ok. 

And he kissed you.   
You kissed him back.

It was soft but firm.   
It was gentle but insistent.   
It was like fire and ice. 

He pushed his tongue ever so gently into your mouth.   
You opened up your mouth and your tongues tasted each other.   
His mouth was like the cinnamon toothpicks he chews.   
You put your hands on his chest, and he put one hand on your hip and the other threaded into the hair in the back of your head. 

The both of you sighed.   
The both of you pulled away.   
The both of you looked at each other.   
The both of you smiled. 

Bo the puppy yapped and the both of you watched him pee on the floor. 

He laughed and pressed his forehead into yours and scrunched his nose up.   
You smiled and said: that puppy is ridiculous.   
He laughed again and put his head down onto your shoulder.   
You wrapped your arms around him and hugged.   
You could feel his laughter shaking the both of you. 

The puppy sniffed his pee. 

You took a bath while he cleaned up the puppy pee.   
While you dried off you could hear him talking to the puppy. 

He said: don't pee on the floor Bo, that's why we take you outside. And also: you're not sleeping in the bed tonight, cuz I'll probably squish you. 

You smiled and came out of the bathroom.   
He was on the floor in the living room with Bo the puppy on his chest.   
He turned and looked at you with that serious/soft/kind expression.   
You felt your face go red and went into the bedroom with your brush. 

He came into the bedroom, puppy in the crook of his arm.   
He said: say goodnight Bo, give a kiss. 

He held the puppy up to your face and you were licked.   
He chuckled and left.   
You heard him tuck Bo into the crate and latch the door.   
You started to brush your hair.   
He padded into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. 

It was time for the sleeping ritual: he brushes your hair, he talks, you listen and then you sleep. 

Except this time it was different. 

This time he brushes your hair. 

But this time you talk and he listens. 

You tell him about how you became frozen.   
You tell him about how you lost your family, your job, your friends. 

You tell him about your time in the military.   
You tell him about your commanding officer and how he raped you.   
You tell him how you were pushed out of the military for demanding justice.   
You tell him how you were punished for speaking up.   
You tell him how you were put on multiple medications to "help" you.   
You tell him how sick you were and not able to cope with the flashbacks, even with meds.  
You tell him how for two years you bounced from job to job, place to place, man to man.  
You tell him how you were with a man who raped and beat you. 

You tell him how the system failed you.   
You tell him how the military failed you.   
You tell him about how your family failed you.  
You tell him about how your friends failed you.   
You tell him about how men failed you. 

You tell him about your time on the streets. 

You tell him that he saved your life that day he told you to get on the bus with him months before.  
You tell him that because the day he told you to get on the bus with him, you had decided that you were going to go to the river, walk into it, and never get out.   
You tell him that deciding to die was better than being frozen.   
You tell him that if it weren't for him, you'd still be frozen and that you'd be dead.

And then he stops you and says: no, I didn't do nothin'. you saved your own life because you chose different, you coulda stayed in the rain on that street but you came with me instead, you chose that didn'tcha? 

He is looking at you with the same kind/soft/serious eyes.   
He has finished brushing your hair and it's half dry now.   
You blink and say nothing.   
You look down at his strong, powerful hands.   
Hands that proved to be gentle and kind.   
Not just with you, but with himself and others.   
Hands that choose to help instead of hurt.   
Hands that have soothed you and stroked a puppy.   
Hands that clasp the shoulder of a sibling who mourns with him.   
Hands that help a dying father.

You think about what he said about choice.   
You looked deep into the eyes of the man who didn't know you at first but always understood you.   
He looked back at you and you saw a man that you understand, a man that you now know, and a man that you trust.  
You looked back at a man who would not fail you. 

He sighed and smiled.   
You sighed. Instead of smiling you began to sob.  
You cried because you told him the ugly horrible truth.   
You cried because you trust him.   
You cried because you felt afraid that he'd tell you to leave.  
You cried because he did not fail you. 

He pulls you against his chest and says: ssssshhhhhhh.   
He wraps his arms around you and brushes your hair away from your face.   
He tells you that there's nothing you can't tell him.   
He tells you that he trusts you.  
He tells you he won't lie to you ever.   
He tells you he missed you when he was away.   
He tells you he wants you to be healthy and happy.   
He tells you that he wants to be healthy and happy.  
He tells you he wants you to meet his family. 

He tells you he wants a future and will do whatever it takes to make it happen.   
He tells you he doesn't want you to leave.  
He tells you he will never fail you. 

You stop sobbing and pull away from him. Your hands cover your face.   
His words have barely registered.   
There is too much to feel and no words for it. 

He pulls your hands away from your face and wipes your tears away.   
Even when they keep coming he keeps wiping.   
He takes the towel and wipes your nose. 

He says: we're the same, we understand each other. 

You look at him and say: I know. 

The two of you sleep face to face that night. 

You breathe each other in an out. 

Something has changed. 

The cord that connected you has changed. 

It's now more gold than brass.


	12. Chapter 12

Bo the puppy is staying with the man from the gym who hired you. He takes Bo to the gym and puts him in the laundry room with the gate. Everyone pets the dog, feeds the dog and takes him outside. Everyone is happy. The puppy is happy. The man who hired you sends photos and texts every day while you are in Philly. The puppy has become a happy distraction from Paddy's impending death. 

You are surprised when you meet Brendan. He resembles his brother - but only subtly. They both have pale eyes and skin and good physiques. His wife Tess is taller, blonder and more fashionable than you are. She is polite and kind to you and so is Brendan. Their daughters Rosie and Emily are shy at first with you. You smile when you watch the girls hug their uncle and chatter to him. He smiles and cuddles them comfortably on his knee. 

When you go to the hospital to see Paddy with everyone you feel sad.   
Paddy is happy to see you.   
Paddy says: you two look happy together, that's nice. I'm happy for you.   
Everyone smiles and agrees.   
Your face goes red.   
You show Paddy photos and video of Bo the puppy and he laughs but it makes him cough.   
When he falls asleep everyone leaves except Brendan.

At Brendan's home you watch the family. Everyone is subdued after visiting Paddy.   
Tess says: I'm glad you're here. Tommy told us about you. He needs all the family he can get.   
You smile and nod, saying: thankyou.   
You understand.   
He is all the family you have. 

Tess shows you around their home. She shows you the renovations done on the house with Brendan's Sparta winnings. She shows you the guest bedroom where Tommy has been sleeping. It's comfortable and more decorated than at the apartment.   
You smile.   
Tess says: you're welcome to stay in here with him or I can move him onto the pull-out instead....

He comes up behind the both of you and says: naw, she's in here with me.   
Everyone smiles. Tess leaves to get the laundry.   
He turns to you and says quietly: I need you near, is that ok?  
You smile and say: I want that too. It's good.   
He smiles and rubs your arm.   
He says; you wanna nap?  
You realize how tired you feel. He looks tired too.  
You smile and pull your sweater off. 

The two of you nap together until Rosie wakes you up. She brought every one of her teddy bears with her and crawls between you.   
Everyone laughs.  
Emily bounces in and says it's almost time for dinner.   
He reaches over and pulls Emily onto the bed.   
The girls squeal as he tickles them.   
You watch amazed. He is so gentle and full of fun.   
You unthaw a little more.   
He reaches over and tickles you, too.   
Everyone laughs. 

At dinner you watch the family. 

It's a different kind of family than the one you grew up with.   
It's different than the family you sought in the military.   
This family smiles and laughs.   
This family is kind and patient.   
This family loves each other.   
You see it in their faces and bodies.   
You hear it in their words and see it in their actions.   
You watch and learn.   
You aren't comfortable yet.   
This is alien to you.   
He knows this and catches your eyes.   
He encourages you with a look and a calming touch. You unthaw some more. 

He said to you before your nap: I'm still getting used to what normal is. I know it's hard for you too.   
You sighed and closed your eyes at that.   
He understands you better than anyone ever has.   
You understand him better than anyone ever has, too. 

After dinner you colour pictures with the girls and he talks with Brendan and Tess in another room. You can overhear words like "palliative care", "funeral" and "last rites". Everyone sounds serious and sad, but calm. 

The first night you do your bathing ritual and he brushes your hair. The guest bedroom door is closed and the house is quiet. Everyone has gone to bed.  
He talks and you listen. 

He tells you about Paddy.   
He tells you about his brother.   
He tells you about his mum.   
He speaks slowly and softly.   
He sounds sad but relieved. 

He says: I never thought I'd forgive my dad.   
You look at him and he's serious.   
He bows his head and says: when he dies, me and Brendan will be orphans.   
This makes you cry.   
He bends his head forward and puts his forehead against yours.  
Tears from both of you fall between you.  
It's good to do that. It's ok.  
You understand him better than anyone ever has.   
You are an orphan too. You won't tell him about that until later. 

That night he wakes you twice. Both times a dream has pushed sleep from him.   
You hold him and he holds onto you.   
You can do that for him.   
He says: I'm glad you're here.   
The both of you breathe each other in an out.   
The both of you sleep.   
The gold cord gets stronger.   
*****************************************************************  
The next three days are very sad. Paddy is in tremendous pain and is on morphine. His sons sit by his bed and listen to him say things they ought not to hear. 

They understand that it's the morphine.   
They understand it's the pain.   
They understand the reasons why a man like Paddy would say the things he did.   
They are hurting just as much for themselves as they are for their dad. 

Brendan and Tommy stay at the hospital day and night.   
The priest comes.   
The last rites are given.   
Everyone says goodbye.   
Everyone waits. 

Tess cries after the girls are put to bed.   
You hug her and listen to everything she tells you.   
You understand everything much better.   
You have nothing to say other than: I'm sorry, let me help somehow.   
She says: I'm glad you're here.   
You try to smile but can't. It's too sad. 

On the fifth day Paddy dies. 

The brothers arrive at the house looking exhausted and devastated. 

Brendan holds onto his family.   
They surround him. 

Tommy holds you so tightly it feels like he wants you to become part of him.   
You let him wet your cheek, neck and shoulder with his tears.   
He says: I'm an orphan.   
You cry because you're an orphan too.   
You understand everything about each other now. 

The next two days are a flurry of arrangements and meetings. The funeral will be back in Pittsburgh. The estate will be fully dealt with. 

At night he collapses into bed with you and says: I'm sorry, I didn't brush your hair.   
You say: it's ok, let me hold you.   
He says: night'night'.   
He sleeps restlessly and wakes often.   
You hold him when he wakes.   
He clings to you.   
You understand.   
Both of you are orphans now.

Everyone travels together in Brendan's van back to Pittsburgh.   
Everyone is sad and serious and quiet.   
You hold his hand and stroke his palm with your thumb.   
He dozes next to you and squeezes your hand. 

You help him with his suit and tie.   
He is sad and serious.   
You tell him he looks handsome.   
He smiles a little and says: I'm glad you're here.   
You say: so am I. 

The funeral is different than any you have been to before.   
The church is big, the service is long and there are more people than you expected.   
His hand is like a vice around yours.   
You stand when you're supposed to and sit when you're supposed to.   
He doesn't cry.   
He breathes deeply.   
Both of you try not to think about being orphans. 

After the internment there is a reception at a hall.   
You watch the brothers as they receive condolences from friends and family.   
The guys from the gym stand with you. They look different wearing suits and dress clothes.  
You thank them for coming. 

Everyone hugs.   
Everyone cries.   
Everyone laughs a little. 

There are photographs of the family on a board. You look at them and think about them all.   
You wonder what would have happened if you had gone to your own father's funeral.   
You don't want to think about that so you turn and go to the bathroom.   
You don't want to think about being an orphan. 

When it's time to leave everyone hugs.   
You say good bye to Brendan, Tess and the girls. The brothers make plans to take care of things and to spend more time together.   
Before they get in the van Tess says: you're good for each other, I'm happy for you.   
You smile and say: thankyou.   
You unthaw a little more.


	13. Chapter 13

The days go back to the routine and rituals: eating, bathing, sleeping, working, training. 

He is working hard and has upcoming fights. 

He explains the work he does and the training. You listen and try to understand.   
You see his discipline.   
You see his drive. 

 

He is still sad and serious.   
He still wakes up at night.   
It's been three weeks since Paddy died.   
Being an orphan is hard. 

Bo the puppy has grown too big for the box in the corner of the laundry room. The man who hired you brings in a crate and a dog bed for Bo. He's got a collar and tags. He doesn't pee on the floor often. Everyone takes turns giving Bo a walk. Bo likes people and stealing food. Everyone laughs and pets him. 

At night you walk back to the apartment or get a ride from one of the gym guys. The training is getting intense and Tommy is often later getting home.   
He is tired and drained, serious and a little sad.   
Bo makes it better, and so does the training.   
Most of all he says hugging you makes it better. You smile. 

One day he is angry.   
He walks into the apartment and throws his gym bag against the wall.   
He tears off his shoes and coat and drops them beside the closet.   
He never does that.   
He always hangs things up and puts things away.   
He says nothing to you and stalks to the shower.   
You hear his phone ring and ring.   
You feel scared.   
Bo crawls into his crate and puts his nose onto his paws. 

He leaves the bathroom and goes to the bedroom.   
The door slams.   
You hear the bed springs creak.   
You feel so scared you want to leave.   
You get your coat, Bo and his leash. 

Just as you open the door he calls out: hey, c'mere. 

You freeze.   
You don't know what to do.   
You've never seen him like this.   
You don't want to see him angry.   
You are afraid of angry people.  
You know what happens when men are angry.   
You want to leave. 

You take one step out of the door and you hear the bedroom door open.   
You walk faster but Bo darts back into the apartment.   
You turn back around and see him standing there, face angry, eyes are red. 

Hulking. 

You panic because he looks angry.   
He looks angry at you and you don't know what to do. 

The puppy yaps at him and he looks down.   
You're afraid he may hurt the dog.   
You move like lightning and scoop Bo up out of the way of a kick or punch. 

He grabs your arm.  
You scream.  
He lets go and backs away.   
You stumble into the coffee table and lose your balance.   
The dog yelps and jumps away.   
You fall and hit the floor and scramble back up again. 

He is blocking the door.  
He is shouting: I'm sorry.   
He is shouting: stop! Don't leave! Wait!  
You stop and stare at him panting.   
His face isn't angry anymore.   
His eyes are still red. Because he is crying.   
You see his frame blocking the door.   
His hands are out. He is reaching for you.   
The puppy is yapping and whining.   
He stoops down and picks Bo up, who licks his tears. 

You are frozen.   
He is frozen.   
The both of you stare at each other.   
The puppy licks and wriggles. 

He says: I thought you trusted me.   
You say: you were angry. I was scared.

His face crumples. He sobs.   
He says: I'm sorry. 

You are still frozen.   
You watch him cry.   
You're confused.   
You want to apologize.  
You are terrified.   
You want to leave.  
You are confused and terrified.   
You want to stay.   
You don't know what to do. 

He sobs and the puppy licks his face. 

You are breathing hard.   
Your head feels light.   
Your legs crumple beneath you. 

He walks over and sits next to you on the floor.   
He reaches behind him and pushes the door closed.   
He places Bo on the floor and the puppy starts to lick your face now. 

He is still crying.   
You're just sitting and staring at the wall. 

He says: please say something  
You say: What happened?  
He says: I thought you trusted me.   
You say: you were angry, I was scared.   
You look at his sad face, his red eyes, his shoulders slumping.

He shakes his head and says very quietly and very seriously: I will never hurt you. 

You say nothing and stare at him.   
The puppy is calm and sitting in your lap.   
You move to get up and walk to the bathroom.   
He takes the puppy outside with the leash.   
He is gone for a long time. 

You take a bath.   
He is still gone.   
You brush your hair.   
He is still gone.   
You brush your teeth and crawl into bed.   
He is still gone. 

You are frozen. 

You fall asleep and don't hear him come back quietly. 

 

He puts the puppy in the crate.   
He stands in the doorway and watches you sleep.   
Instead of crawling in beside you he goes to the couch. 

He tries to sleep but can't.   
He thinks of what you saw when he came home and how you may have felt about it.   
He thinks about his dad.   
He thinks about his mum.   
He thinks about what happened to his mum when his dad was angry.   
He remembers what you told him.  
He remembers that men failed you. 

He feels guilty.   
He feels ashamed.   
He feels horrified. 

He wants to wake you up to apologize, to explain about his bad day at the gym.   
He wants to beg forgiveness and make promises. 

Instead he cries. Bo the puppy hears him and cries too. He pulls his shirt off and puts it in the crate with Bo who flops down on top of it and calms. He goes back to the couch and after a while he falls into a fitful sleep. 

For the first time in months the terror breaks free and erupts from your throat.  
You scream and thrash until you fall off the bed and against the bedside table. 

Another lamp breaks.   
You scramble into another terrible corner.   
You cut your hands and your feet on the broken bulb.   
You screech and wail until your throat is raw.  
You are in another time and another place.   
The horror is unfrozen and free again. 

This is a bad one. 

He rockets into the bedroom from the couch.   
He pulls you from the terrible corner.   
He silently pushes you onto his shoulder.

You are torn from your unfrozen terror.   
You are in the shower.   
You are gasping at cold water. It hits your face and clothed body.   
Your hands and feet are cut.   
You see blood.   
You see him.   
Barely. 

He slowly turns the water to a warmer temperature when you emerge from the terror. 

He says: ssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
He wipes your face with shaking hands. 

You hear Bo the puppy crying.   
You are crying. Great heaving sobs wrack you.   
You are shivering. 

He is crying too. His warm tears drop on your cold skin. 

You look up at him and you see his terror.   
You see a boy crying for his mother.   
You see an orphan. 

The terror doesn't leave easily.   
The two of you sit in the shower fully clothed as he increases he temperature of the water.  
Both of you are silent.   
Both of you are shaking.   
Both of you are crying. 

He says: I can't do this.   
You say: I know.   
He says: I'm sorry.   
You say: I'm sorry too. 

He starts to sob.   
His chest heaves.   
His teeth chatter.   
So does yours. 

Bo the puppy is crying and whining in his crate.   
Shakily you stand up.   
He moves so quickly you almost fall.   
He steadies you and say: I'll take care of him, you warm up. 

You don't want him to leave you alone.  
He leaves the bathroom door open and you hear him talking to the puppy.   
He sounds sad.   
The puppy sounds sad.   
You start to cry some more. 

 

You peel off your clothes and leave them in the tub with you.   
You are shaking so hard you can barely keep your balance. 

The puppy has stopped crying. 

The apartment is quiet except for the sound of the running shower and the chattering of teeth.   
You let the water fall onto your skin and turn the temperature up again. 

You feel completely frozen. 

Minutes tick by.   
You have no idea how many.   
You are sitting hunched over, hugging your knees.   
The shower washes over you.  
Your skin is wrinkled.   
Your teeth still chatter. 

He stands in the door and says tentatively: hey, you done in there?   
You turn your head but cannot speak because you are frozen.   
He walks over to the shower and pulls the curtain back.   
He gasps when he sees your nakedness.   
He backs up a step and says: you're cold, you should get out. 

You want to say: go away.   
You want to say: I can't.   
You want to say: I'm frozen. 

He blinks and straightens.   
He sighs and turns the water off.   
He takes the wet clothing and wrings them out. He hangs them on the curtain rod. 

When he pulls the curtain back all the way you scream at him: DON'T.   
He backs away for a second and then ignores your command.   
You scream again: DON'T.   
He ignores you and drapes a warm towel across your shoulders and back.   
You screech and back away from him.   
He commands: that's enough. 

Before you can react he has pulled you from the shower and thrown you over his shoulder.   
You screech and pound on his back, kicking your legs.   
The towel falls off and you don't care. 

You are angry.   
You are scared.   
You are frozen and full of terror. 

He takes you into the living room and deposits you on the couch.  
He pulls a blanket around you as you shake and cry.   
Your teeth chatter and you sob.   
He walks over to the dog crate and pulls the puppy out.   
The puppy wriggles and licks him.   
He holds you on his lap and commands you: stop, that's enough.   
He is shaking and you hold onto him.   
He carefully looks at your hands and feet and legs.   
He says: you've got scrapes from the broken lamp but you'll be ok.   
He is still shaking while he holds you.   
The both of you sit on the couch with the puppy. 

 

You are tired.   
You are scared.   
You are confused.   
You are frozen and full of terror. 

Like the first night you ever spent in the apartment with him he slowly and quietly pushes the terror away. 

 

You say: I'm sorry. 

He says: I'm sorry too. 

Bo the puppy calms and nestles between you. 

You began to unthaw again. From the beginning.


	14. Chapter 14

The two of you sit on the couch.  
It is calm.   
It is quiet. 

You are on his lap still.   
Your head is on his shoulder.   
His chin is on your forehead.  
His arms are around you. 

Nobody speaks.   
Nobody moves.   
Nobody wants to interrupt this small peace. 

Bo the puppy has gone back to his crate.   
After making sure the two of you were still breathing, he licked your arm, sniffed Tommy's elbow and hopped down from the couch.   
Bo is a good puppy.   
Bo will be a good dog. 

A car alarm goes off on the street.   
He rouses, lifting his chin from your forehead.  
The alarm stops.   
You can tell he wants to move.   
But you are still frozen. 

Both of you are still wet from the shower: he is clothed, you are not. 

You pull the blanket around you - suddenly shy and unsure.  
He says: it's ok.   
You blink at him.   
He blinks back. 

He gently takes you off his lap and puts you on the couch.   
Bo the puppy watches as he walks into the bedroom.   
You start to cry when you remember the terror that had come.  
You have broken two lamps since coming to this apartment. 

He comes back to get the broom, dust pan and garbage bag.   
You watch as he calmly collects the items.   
You watch his face - is he angry?  
You watch his shoulders - are they tense?  
You watch his gait - will he come over to you? 

He walks past you to the bedroom.   
He does not look at you.   
You are crying still, waiting and watching for him. 

You hear him moving the bedside table, the bed, and the sound of shattered ceramic pieces being pushed around.   
The broom sweeps the pieces into the dustpan and you hear the rustle of the garbage bag.   
You hear Bo the puppy get up, walk in a circle and lay back down.  
You hear the tick-tock of a clock somewhere.   
You hear the refrigerator's compressor kick in.  
You hear a car door slam. 

He walks back out and replaces the broom and dust pan.   
He puts the broken lamp pieces into the garbage. 

You are watching him.   
He does not look at you. 

He walks past you again to the bedroom.   
You hear him stripping the sheets off the bed.   
You hear the rustle of fabric, the huff of his breath as he stretches new sheets onto the mattress, the pillows being replaced, and the poof of the comforter being laid anew. 

You are still crying - quietly.   
You are waiting.   
You are wondering if your terror has broken more than another lamp. 

He does not come out of the bedroom.   
He does not get into bed. 

Instead, he does something he hasn't done in almost twenty years:  
He gets on his knees.   
He prays.   
He asks God and the angels to protect the both of you.  
He asks God for strength and wisdom for the both of you.   
He asks God to show him what to do. 

He stays kneeling, head bowed, hands clasped on the bed long after the prayer has ended.   
He takes a deep breath and releases it.   
He feels better.   
He knows what to do. 

You hear him exhale and the slight movement of him getting up off the floor.   
You don't know that he prayed.   
You don't know if he's angry.   
You don't know if he's ok.   
You don't know what to do. 

You are frozen. 

He comes out of the bedroom and stands in front of you.   
He stares at you, face impassive.   
You stare back, tears still streaming.   
He blinks at you.   
You blink back. 

Just like he did that first night you stayed in the apartment, he sits in front of you on the coffee table as you shake in a blanket on the couch.   
Just like that first night you stayed in the apartment you look at a man who you didn't know but understood you.

He looks down at your hands clutching the blanket around your nakedness.   
He sees your shaking frame.   
He sees how frozen you are. 

He says: if you're gonna be here with me, you gotta trust me ok?   
His eyes are locked on yours.   
This man is trying to say something important. This man who didn't know who you were but understands you.   
This man who you didn't know but understand.

He says again: you gotta trust me ok? I ain't never gonna hurt you........ or the puppy ok?   
You watch him as he looks over at the now sleeping puppy.   
You see his face soften, his lips curl into a gentle smile. He swings his head back and he blinks at you.  
He says: I only hurt people in the cage, ok? It's a fair fight and that's the way it is, ok?   
You say: ok.   
He nods his head and gets up off the coffee table.   
He gathers you up into his arms and carries you to the newly sheeted and straightened bed.   
He puts you down and leaves the room. 

You hear him go back out to the living room.   
You hear him him lock the door.   
You hear him whisper to Bo the puppy: you're such a good boy, I love you.   
You hear Bo stir and then settle down to sleep again. 

He comes back in with a towel and hair brush, and the scented candle.   
He lights the candle and puts it on top of the dresser.   
He turns the lights out.

You watch him strip his clothes off.   
You watch him pull the blanket off of you.   
You watch him turn the covers down on the bed.   
You watch him crawl in and lay on his back.   
You are naked, on the bed.   
He is naked in the bed.  
You are still frozen. 

He watches you sitting there.   
His eyes are kind.   
His mouth looks gentle.   
His face is calm. 

He reaches a hand out and strokes it down your arm from shoulder to finger tips.   
It feels like fire and ice.   
He says: come to bed.   
You crawl in next to him.   
The two of you face each other.   
The two of you are under the covers and breathe each other in.   
The two of you drape your limbs around each other.   
The two of you fall asleep.


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning you wake alone. You dress quickly and walk into the living room.   
It's empty.   
He is gone and so is the puppy.   
It's late. You're late for work.   
You panic.   
There's a note on the coffee table beside a pamphlet.   
The note says:   
Hey. You need the day off. Took Bo to the gym with me.   
Please call and make an appointment. I'll call you later. - T 

You pick the pamphlet up and it says:   
Veterans Affairs Health Care System - Pittsburgh

You turn it over and on the back is a phone number he's circled. 

You freeze.   
You think: he wants me gone.   
You think: I'm too fucked up for him.  
You think: I don't know what to do.   
You're frozen and sitting on the couch, holding the note and the pamphlet. 

You look around the apartment for something - anything - to do other than sit there.There are no dishes to do.   
There is no garbage to take out.  
The bathroom is already clean.   
Everything is neat and tidy.   
You don't need to work today.

There is nothing to do.

Except call that number. 

You don't want to call that number.   
You don't want anything to do with the VA.   
They did nothing for you the last time you spoke to them.   
You're frozen. 

So you sit there and stare at the wall. 

The phone rings and you startle.   
It rings twice more and you stare at it. 

You know Tommy is calling you.   
You know he is going to ask you if you called that number.   
You feel angry.   
You feel betrayed.   
You feel like you're being punished for what happened the night before.  
You feel like the terror that came out of your throat has ruined everything.   
You feel like he is tired of your problems.   
Most of all, you're terrified that nothing will be good again. 

You decide to not answer the phone.   
You decide that you're not calling the number on the pamphlet.   
You decide that getting on that bus with him all those months ago was too good to be true. 

The phone rings eight more times before falling silent. 

You've made another decision.  
You're leaving. 

Instead of being frozen you move quickly. 

You go to the front closet and grab a back pack.   
You put your clothes and other things inside. 

You put your coat and boots on.   
You take a hat, a scarf and mittens.   
You take a quick mental inventory of your back pack.   
You decide that it will be enough for now. 

You're ready to leave. 

You take one long, last look at every room in the small apartment you once shared with him.   
You remember your first night with him. How the terror emerged and unfroze your throat.   
How he took care of you and the mess you created.   
You remember how he looked at you and though he didn't know you, he understood you.   
You remember how he held you.   
You remember your rituals: eating, sleeping, bathing.  
You remember the guys at the gym and how you like working there.  
You looked at the empty crate that Bo the puppy sleeps in.   
You remember when Paddy died and how you held Tommy.   
You remember that you're both orphans now.   
You remember being mostly frozen.   
You remember that you're a burden.   
You feel sad.   
You feel ashamed. 

You remember last night. How you both slept breathing each other in.   
You remember how you kissed.   
You remember the gold cord between you.   
It feels frayed and tarnished now. 

You take the small wad of cash you've been saving for months, and lay it gently on the table.   
You think: this is the least I can do. It'll help feed the puppy.   
You take the note he wrote, turn it over and write your own.   
It says:

I'm sorry. 

You leave it on the table with the pamphlet.   
It's time to go.

************************************************************************

When you didn't answer the phone that day Tommy calmly hung up.   
He didn't leave a message.   
He knew you wouldn't listen. 

Instead going back to training he told the guys he needed to take care of something.   
The men nodded and said: no problem, let us know if you need anything.   
The men knew something had happened.  
The men knew Tommy wasn't ok.   
The men knew that he'd ask for help if he needed it. 

Tommy showered and dressed.   
He checked in on Bo the puppy in the laundry room.   
It was empty and sad without you there with the puppy.   
Bo the puppy barked once and skittered over for a pat.   
Tommy stroked him absently while he made sure there was food and water.   
He knew the guys would take him outside. He knew he'd be ok.   
He said: You stay here for now, ok?   
Bo wagged his tail and licked Tommy's hand. 

He walked to the office and poked his head in.   
He said: I need a ride.   
The polite man who hired you got up from the desk, car keys in hand and put his coat on. 

They drove to the apartment silent.   
He chewed on his toothpick until it splintered.   
He rolled the window down and spat it out.   
He took another out and started on that one.   
The polite man drove without asking Tommy anything.   
It wasn't his business. But he was a friend all the same.   
He knew Tommy needed a friend and he was happy to be one. 

Tommy said goodbye to his friend and told him he'd call later.   
The polite man who hired you and drove Tommy home waved and drove off.  
He knew he'd get a call later.   
On the way back to the gym, he stopped by the pet store for puppy food and an extra leash.   
He had a feeling Bo the puppy may need to stay with him. 

Tommy walked up the stairs slowly.   
He knew you'd be gone.   
He knew he'd be alone.   
Again. 

He walked in the door.   
He sat down on the couch.   
He read the note that said: I'm sorry. 

He sat a long time and blinked.   
He took a deep breath stared at the wall.   
He looked at the note again.   
He looked at the small wad of cash and blinked.   
He took another deep breath and closed his eyes. They were turning red. 

Then, he went to the phone, dialed his brother.   
He stood with his ear pressed to the phone and his forehead against the wall.   
When he answered he said: Bren.......  
He choked up and couldn't speak.   
Brendan said: Tommy, what's wrong? What's happening?   
He shook his head and couldn't speak.   
His voice was frozen.   
Brendan said: Tommy, what is it? I'm listening. I can wait.   
He sobbed and said: She's gone.   
************************************************************************  
You went back to your old, frozen life.   
You went back to the streets.   
You went back to pacing.   
You went back to panhandling.   
You went back to being almost frozen. 

You also went to the river.   
You stood by the river and watched it moving very slow.   
It had ice and snow moving slowly in it. 

You thought: I could just walk in, and I would freeze and it would be finished.   
You thought: it's going to get warmer and one day there won't be ice in there.   
You thought: if I don't do it soon, it'll be too frozen to get in or too warm to freeze me completely.   
***********************************************************************  
After you left, he cleaned the apartment.   
He took your shampoo and threw it out.   
He took your brush and threw it out.   
He took the scented candle and threw it out.   
He took your cookies and tea and threw them out.   
He took everything you left behind and threw them out. 

Except for one thing. 

He kept the tshirt you wore to bed.   
He couldn't throw it out.  
He put it under the pillow you used to lay your head on.   
He kept that pillow beside him. 

After you left he had to make new rituals.   
He slept alone.   
He ate alone.   
He didn't brush anyone else's hair.  
He even did his training differently.

He did not look for you.   
He did not want to.   
He said: she made her choice.   
He said: I have an important fight.  
He said: I have to train.   
He thought: I don't know what to do.   
He thought: what's the point?   
He thought: it's done and over with

He felt: alone.   
He felt: empty. 

He said to Brendan and Tess: I don't know what happened. She just left.   
He said to the guys at the gym: I don't know what happened. She just left. 

He was frozen and he didn't know it.   
He didn't smile very much.   
He didn't joke very much.   
He spoke even less than before.   
He didn't think about anything anymore.   
He went to work, he trained, he went home. 

Bo the puppy stayed with the polite man at the gym.   
Tommy was nice to the puppy but didn't walk him.   
Tommy was nice to the puppy, but didn't play with him like he used to.   
The puppy seemed sad.   
Everyone was sad.   
Everyone agreed you folded the towels the best but said nothing about it.   
Everyone missed the way you smiled at them.   
But nobody said anything about missing you.   
Especially Tommy.


End file.
